{"id":1316,"date":"2020-02-15T16:01:58","date_gmt":"2020-02-15T21:01:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1316"},"modified":"2026-06-18T13:36:19","modified_gmt":"2026-06-18T17:36:19","slug":"ditch-hookup-comprehensive-guide","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1316","title":{"rendered":"How to Ditch Your Hookup: A Comprehensive Guide"},"content":{"rendered":"

So Valentine’s day is officially over, and congratulations! You didn\u2019t spend it by yourself smoking pot in a bathrobe this year. But now that you\u2019ve finally achieved your lifelong dream of validating yourself by finding a meaningless hookup for a socially constructed, consumerist holiday, how do you get rid of him? Like sure, he was fine for one night but now that you\u2019re eating his overcooked scrambled eggs and listening to his opinions on the female orgasm after a night of mediocre sex, you\u2019re beginning to have second thoughts. You could watch <\/span>How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days<\/span><\/i>, but if you don\u2019t want to wait that long or don\u2019t want to run the risk of falling in love, you could just read our guide instead.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

#1: Tell him you gave up sex for lent<\/strong><\/p>\n

Gosh darn that pesky Lent! Stopping you from having the sex that you definitely for sure wanted to have with him. If he\u2019s not Christian he won\u2019t know when Lent is, and if he is Christian, why are you hooking up with him? You could do so much better!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

#2: Pretend to have a foot fetish<\/strong><\/p>\n

If he\u2019s normal, this one should weird him out so much that he\u2019ll break it off with you and save you the trouble of having to figure out a way to tell him you don\u2019t want to see him again. Or it could prompt him to open up about his foot fetish too. If so, run! But not in a way that draws attention to your feet.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

#3: Get charged with vehicular manslaughter<\/strong><\/p>\n

Oh no, you *accidentally* hit someone with your car! Guess you\u2019ll be going to jail now, and not to your jerky hookup\u2019s apartment. And maybe you\u2019ll have the epiphany that the feeling of taking a life gave you more of a high than sex ever will, solving the problem of dealing with any future hookups.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

#4: Create an HPV Scare<\/strong><\/p>\n

Tell him your doctor just texted and that you\u2019re positive for HPV. Doesn\u2019t he know that 79 million Americans have it? Well, now it\u2019s 79 million and one. Serves him right for not wanting to wear a condom. As a bonus, this method will encourage him to responsibly practice sexual health as he will likely run immediately to the nearest doctor to get tested for STDs. It\u2019s like you\u2019re doing him a favor.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span> These foolproof tips will help you ditch that regrettable Valentine’s Day hookup in no time! Of course, you could always just ghost him, but where\u2019s the fun in that?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2014V.R., ’21<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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